Looking Forward

August 29, 2008

Looking Forward by Kari Breed

Being a do-it-yourselfer, I pile a lot of tasks upon myself to accomplish on a regular basis. In general, I break my weeks down like this: Time to work at my job, time to work on writing, and time to work on the house. What I should also add to this list is: Time to have a nervous breakdown.

Nervous breakdowns, being completely unscheduled, are a real inconvenience.

It isn’t like I don’t take breaks from my self-assigned tasks. I do. I would love, in fact, to be as productive as I try to make myself. If I was, I might actually run out of things to do, and then I could take that well-deserved time off. Yeah, right! But the problem isn’t that I never take breaks, the problem is that I never take breaks in my head. Even if I think I’m relaxing, I’m not. I might be sprawled across the sofa in front of the TV, but what I have noticed is that I’m as tense, or even more so, as I would be working on something. Why? Because I’m beating myself up. I’m listing my to-dos. I’m berating myself for not being in the kitchen touching up the paint. Or I’m thinking about the next three writing projects I want to do. Or I’m kicking myself for not learning to play guitar. In essence, I’m still working. I’m working in my head and not accomplishing a thing. That, my friends, is highly unproductive. I’m spinning my wheels, burning precious fuel. Burning myself out.

Working on that nervous breakdown.

Because of this bad thinking habit, I have, once again, squeezed all the fun out of my life. There’s nothing to look forward to besides endless drudgery. Fun? Sorry, can’t pencil you in till 2010, and that is subject to change.

Last weekend I made a commitment to see a movie in the theater with my husband. (Gasp!) The last movie we saw out was Transformers, exactly a year ago. Beyond that, it was 300. I had to literally make this a commitment because of my chronic temptation to back out of anything enjoyable in lieu of getting more stuff done, or collapsing exhausted on the couch. And I almost reneged. I almost said, “Maybe we could do this another time.” But I didn’t, and it was fun. I had fun. Holy Mother of God, I can’t believe it.

It reminded me that not having something to look forward to is a lot like not having a reason to live. So, I made a plan. It wasn’t a big plan, but it was a plan to do something, even a little something, once a week, and to make even the smallest somethings a little bit special. This weekend we’re renting a movie and cooking wings.

Renting a movie and pigging out is frequently something we do, but what’s different is that this time we’re making a point of it. We’re making it special. And I have to say, I’ve been looking forward to it all week. It’s nothing really new, but it’s one teaspoon of stress gone and one dollop of fun thrown in.

Life Lesson: Sometimes you have to look forward to enjoy yourself now.

Posted in Goals, Health